To Vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.

Vacillate is another of my favorite words. I really like what it means, and possibly it is who I am. I vacillate, fluctuate, oscillate my thoughts on a daily basis, sometimes on an hourly basis. My reason to constantly waver in thought is how my thought process  developed. I learned some time ago that I am more than one constant energy, I do not think in terms of oneness, I think in terms of being more than one. I am probably more than two, but definitely two — I am an educator and a writer. They can go hand-in-hand, and they can be separated if only one is developed. But, I have two spheres where both are developed, and it is who I am. So, I vacillate. I oscillate like a fan on a hot, summer day, tirelessly spinning my wheels between lessons and words, words and lessons.

My mind is not indecisive, it is not flighty or fickle, and definitely not inconstant. I can make a decision and make it stick. My feet are firmly planted on this earth, settled in who I am in this life. Fickle, well, I forgive myself for being fickle as a young girl — I was simply getting my feet wet, but after I stepped in the affection field, I knew what I wanted, and I waited.  Oh, how sweet affection is! I know of no one who can say I am inconstant. I can never remember being without purpose, without drive. It is that drive that led me to vacillate, to fluctuate, to develop into two.

I really wonder if it is good to vacillate in thought. Maybe it is best to know one subject and only one. There are no questions there, there are no choices. It seems to me that the Wall Street minds of today are good at one thing, and one thing only — making money. They do not make a choice on whether to write a story or to develop a course of study. They make money. That is it. Period. Hailey wants to be an orthodontist (is that the braces guy?). She has not vacillated in thought. It is the only career she has talked about for a number of her 18 years. She works very hard, and her steadfastness will be rewarded probably long before I ever felt my rewards. (Remember, I was a writer, then an educator, then a writer, then an educator, before I realized I was both — I vacillated!).

Then, there was a dear friend who was brilliant by my standards. He changed like the wind because he could do anything. He did everything and nothing. He was fickle with his love, unsettled in his life, and changed his purpose when he knew something could be better. We discussed his ability to do anything and everything at great lengths, and he knew he was the epitome of vacillation. But, he could not change, no more than I can change being two in one, and no more than Hailey can change her sole desire to be an orthodontist.

So, to vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question. In between time, though, my oscillating fan is calling! 


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